


There’s The Rub

by Squishmitten



Series: Massage [1]
Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, Massage Class, Mild Homophobic Language, Potato faced men, mild non-PC language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-30 00:45:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13938966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squishmitten/pseuds/Squishmitten
Summary: Serena gets dragged along to a massage course and gets ditched after the first week.Bernie gets dragged along to a massage course and gets ditched after the first week.Will they meet, and more importantly, will they rub each other up the wrong way?





	There’s The Rub

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks go to my cheerleading squad for the usual encouragement and virtual hand-holding.  
> Ladies, you are awesome ❤️
> 
>  
> 
>  

As was so often the way in Serena’s personal life, it was Siân who had dragged her into this. Under the guise of an ‘interesting and different’ gift, she had booked them both on a massage course. Without consulting Serena. As usual.

“Don’t you think I have to put my hands on enough strangers on a daily basis? Do you really think I want to do the same during my limited leisure hours?”

“Oh come on Rena, you need to get out of the house more. Plus this will teach you a handy new life skill. **If** you ever actually manage to get laid again, I’m sure you’ll be able to put some of the techniques to good use.” Siân wheedled.

“Yes, thank you very much. This has nothing to do with my sex life, or the lack thereof. It’s all to do with your own sex life, I’m not stupid.” Serena snapped back.

But as usual Serena gave in, and also as usual, Siân lost interest in the first week. The quality of male participants wasn’t up to her standards ‘Too old, too young - _just_ , too poor, too gay.’ Siân dismissed the potential candidates one by one.

This gave Serena her get out of jail free card. However, to her surprise, she had thoroughly enjoyed the first week and decided she was going back, with or without her friend. In fact, it was better without Siân there, nudging her in the ribs, whispering about the merits (or rather in her eyes, the lack of merits) of the various men and generally distracting Serena from listening to what Barbara, the instructor had to say.

As the weeks progressed, Serena discovered (the hard way) who _not_ to get partnered with during the various sessions. For example, her experience of massaging Frank was rather unforgettable. Frank was somewhere in his 70s at a guess and had, well… Frank had relaxed a little _too_ much during week two while being massaged by Serena. Yes, Frank peed himself mid-massage. Now Serena was no wallflower, had no problem speaking up for herself. Neither though, was she someone who would deliberately hurt someone’s feelings or make them an object of ridicule. As Frank seemed completely oblivious to the situation, Serena tried to carry on as though nothing had happened, all while trying to subtly signal to Barbara. Thank goodness Barb was perceptive enough to get the message and immediately came over. As soon as she spotted the problem, she called an early break and rescued Serena. To say Serena showered thoroughly when she returned home that night is an understatement. She might be well used to dealing with all types of bodily fluids at work, but she was usually wearing protective equipment!

Then there was Robbie the Bobby. A police sergeant with a face like a potato and a personality to match. He spent the entire time he was partnered with Serena attempting to chat her up, mildly feeling her up and asking her out. All the restraint she had shown with Frank went out the window. There was only so much ‘accidental’ arse brushing and thrusting of his groin in her face that she could put up with. Then there were his descriptions of some of their fellow classmates, amongst them the ‘crazy cat lady’ the ‘pansy shirt-lifter’ and the ‘frigid dyke’. The absolute final straw came when he sneeringly referred to poor Frank as ‘Old Pissy Legs’ and told Serena how very lucky she was to be partnered with Robbie for this session rather than with an “incontinent, senile old fart”. Using a combination of her expert anatomical knowledge and techniques learnt at a long ago self defence class, Serena removed his hand from her in the most subtle, but most painful way she could. There was great satisfaction in seeing his face turn purple and his eyes start watering. A quiet word was had with Barb about his homophobic language and highly inappropriate behaviour and he was immediately removed from the class.

Serena then found her perfect partner in Kevin when he took over that evening from Robbie. He was an extremely handsome and muscular 30 year old, who had immediately caught Siân’s eye at the first class. However he was also the one dismissed as ‘too gay’ as soon as his husband was mentioned in passing. Serena and Kev got on like a house on fire, and an immediate routine of after class drinks began. Extreme post massage relaxation and alcohol were a heady combination however, and it was just as well that Kev’s husband Paul joined them each time and would ferry the pair to their respective homes afterwards. 

Serena and Kev soon became more and more intrigued by the tall, slim blonde woman of around Serena’s age who seemed to be so aloof and removed from the rest of the group. She had noticed the other woman at the first class when, like Serena, she appeared to have come with a friend. Also like Serena, the friend didn’t reappear after week one. They found out from Barb that the mystery woman’s name was Bernie, but that was all they knew. Bernie never really seemed to interact with anyone else in the class, just listened intently to whatever Barb had to say and then waited to be paired off with whoever was left over. She disappeared at break times, rather than sit around and drink water and juice with the rest of her classmates, and left as soon as the class was over. 

Kev and Serena found themselves making up more and more elaborate backstories for the quiet and elusive blonde. Bernie was a private investigator, only at the class to keep tabs on a philandering husband or wife. She was a spy and used the break times to exchange microfilms with her handler. More than once they had received admonishing looks from Barb for whispering and giggling when they should have been concentrating on practicing new techniques.

****

Bernie really had no desire to take a massage class. She tried to wriggle out of it.  
“You know I have that dodgy back, Katie. I’m not sure I should be taxing it by rubbing people’s muscles.” 

Yeah, even she could hear quite how pathetic that excuse was. Kathryn rarely asked anything of her oldest friend and was always there for her, no matter what. Most recently she had been there throughout the messy divorce, when Marcus Dunn, Bernie’s petty arsehole of an ex-husband, turned their kids against her and when he had tried to screw her out of every penny he could. He really should have thought about who his soon-to-be ex-wife’s best friend was. Kathryn Carson was the best and most sought after divorce solicitor in England. Katie could do nothing about the estrangement between Bernie and her children, but she could certainly protect Bernie’s financial rights. The spineless little prick was summarily put in his place and the division of assets was completed fairly. It helped immensely that Kathryn had always loathed Bernie’s ex husband. Her stance from the very beginning was that he just wasn’t good enough for Bernie. She claimed the man had the appearance and intelligence of an ambulatory potato and always insisted on referring to him as Marcus Piper, whether or not he was within earshot. 

When Katie decided she needed an interest outside work and asked Bernie to accompany her, there was no way she could really refuse. Even when that turned out to be an evening class learning massage. At least Katie would be the one massaging Bernie though, she was fussy who put their hands on her, it must be an Army thing, she thought. She really wasn’t too fond of the idea of strangers touching her. 

It didn’t work out like that after the first week, unfortunately. Katie took on a new case, the highly contentious divorce of some top secret celebrity. She was immediately summoned to London and swamped with work. Before Bernie could celebrate, Katie asked her to “please keep going on my behalf and report back with the techniques.” Exactly how Bernie describing how and where to find particular muscle groups would be of any use to her friend, she just didn’t know, but if Katie asked…

Feeling more than ever like a fish out of water during the second week, Bernie listened intently to what the instructor described, watched the demonstration and then stood, feeling lost. Without her friend by her side, what was she meant to do? Soon a short, stocky man with a face that bore a startling resemblance to a King Edward (and therefore disconcertingly reminding her of her ex husband) sidled up to her and offered to be her partner. 

As he lay there on the table, Bernie was trying not to retch at the feel of his oily, hairy back beneath her fingers. She was putting into practice all they had just been shown, and Robbie just kept on and on. How he was a police sergeant, putting his life on the line every day. About all the ‘scrotes’ he locked up on a daily basis. Now Bernie, being both ex-forces and a surgeon, had a strong affinity with the emergency services. This jumped up little man though, he was one of the worst of his kind - drunk on his own sense of power and self importance. Bernie soon tuned out his droning and concentrated on recreating what she had watched Barbara demonstrate. 

The trouble really began when they swapped places and Robbie began stroking Bernie. It certainly couldn’t be accurately described as massage. Bernie began mentally tallying up each and every time his hand drifted down to her sides, clearly attempting to touch her breasts, each time he brushed his crotch against her shoulder or arm and each time he touched her backside. As soon as Barbara called the session to a close, Bernie carefully stood and went behind the screen to redress. Emerging to find Robbie still standing there, she approached him and bent to whisper in his ear:

“I am a trauma surgeon. I know _exactly_ where to find each and every pain receptor in your odious little body. I know _exactly_ how to inflict the slowest, most painful death. I am also a veteran of 25 years in the Army. I know people. I am owed an awful lot of favours from an awful lot of grateful men and women whose life and limbs I have saved. If you _ever_ so much as _look_ in my direction again, I will start making some phone calls.”

At that, Robbie’s previously florid face went an unhealthy shade of grey and he hurried away to the other side of the room without a backward glance. Bernie was sure she heard the words ‘uptight lesbian’ drift back in her direction. Bernie allowed a smile to ghost across her mouth. At last, some accurate words from the spud-faced, cowardly copper.

 

The following week Bernie had better luck with her massage partner. An eccentric 60-something with startlingly orange hair claimed Bernie after the demonstration. 

“Come on darling, I’ve not had you yet! I’m Dusty Foulds, who are you?”

“Bernie. Bernie Wolfe.”

“I bet you’re not a Bernie on your birth certificate any more than I’m Dusty. I was saddled with Gertrude, would you believe it? Decided I infinitely preferred Dusty to Gertie! So what are you, a Bernadette?”

“No, I’m a Berenice.” Bernie was rather overwhelmed by the force of nature that was Dusty Foulds.

Over the course of the session, Bernie learned that Dusty was twice widowed, and had a 40 year old bachelor accountant son called Neville (“A terrible name darling, but the first husband would insist!”). Once Bernie admitted to being divorced and single, Dusty seemed determined to try and set them up on a date. Bernie also learned about Dusty’s much adored 5 cats and her love of evening classes (“You meet some of the most interesting people darling!”). Her evening ended with Dusty showing her multiple pictures of her beloved cats and finally, having Neville’s phone number pressed into her hand (“Just in case you change your mind darling!”).

The following two weeks were far less memorable, Bernie ending up paired off both times with a quiet and mousy woman who didn’t even offer her name. She did have surprisingly strong fingers though, and Bernie left those sessions feeling relaxed and boneless.

****

Finally week five arrived, the last of the course. The timing was perfect from Bernie’s point of view as she was starting in a permanent job role on the following Monday, after a long period of working in various locum positions. She would lose the luxury of having more choice in the hours she worked, but was looking forward to settling in to one hospital and getting her teeth into some proper trauma surgery again. 

As usual, Bernie concentrated intently on Barbara’s talk and demonstration before waiting to see who she would be paired up with.

“Bernie! Bernie, you’re with me this evening.” Bernie was shocked to hear her name being called from across the room. She looked up to see a woman waving at her. Bernie had noticed her over the weeks of course, the woman was stunning. About her own age with brunette hair that was turning beautifully salt and pepper, an amazing, curvaceous figure and a ridiculously sexy and husky laugh which seemed to constantly ring out across the room. 

She always seemed to be paired up with the muscular blonde man though, so why did she want to partner Bernie that week? Bernie cast her eyes around the room for him, and immediately had her question answered. There he was, with Dusty Foulds clutching his arm and talking a mile a minute. It was clearly his turn to hear all about Neville and the cats.

Up close, her massage partner for the evening was even more beautiful than Bernie had realised. Warm, sparkling brown eyes and an utterly sexy cleft in her chin, which had Bernie imagining herself nibbling on. _Good god Wolfe,_ she thought. _Behave yourself!_

“Good evening Bernie, we haven’t properly met yet. I’m Serena. My regular partner in crime has been snaffled by another woman, so I thought it was high time we got to know each other a bit better.” Serena held out her hand, which Bernie clasped automatically. 

Warm, strong and slightly rough, the hand seemed to send an electrical charge right through Bernie. Worst of all, Serena’s voice seemed to instantly activate every one of Bernie’s erogenous zones. This was going to be a challenging evening.

“Shall I be first on the table, Bernie?” Without waiting for a response, Serena was whipping off her top.

“Uh. O...okay. Um. Sure” _Smooth Wolfe, really smooth._

Every single thing they had been shown in that evening’s demonstration flew straight out of Bernie’s mind the second she laid her hand on Serena’s smooth, warm skin. Every single thing she had learned over the previous 4 weeks, followed suit. She could tell Serena was talking to her, but couldn’t hear a thing over the rushing in her ears. Serena had clearly just asked her something as she had propped herself up on an arm and was looking around with a raised eyebrow.

“Uh. Um sorry, pardon? What did you say?”

“I asked what brought you to massage classes?”

“Oh uh, yes. My friend. Kathryn. Katie. She wanted to. But work. She had to go to London. But asked me to carry on.” Anyone listening to that would have thought a village somewhere was missing its idiot. No one would believe the stumbling words were coming out of the mouth of an ex Army Major, an eminent, highly trained and respected surgeon.

Serena was chatting away to Bernie as the former Army medic tried desperately to remember at least some of the techniques she had been so studiously learning over the past weeks. There was something about her friend dragging her to the classes then ditching her. Bernie tried not to allow her gaze to fall to the slopes of the sides of Serena’s full breasts, where they were pressed against the surface of the massage table. There was something about making friends with Ken or Kev or someone. Bernie tried not to look at the dimples at the base of Serena’s spine. There was something about the pub. Bernie tried not to think about turning Serena over and kissing her senseless. 

There was a momentary relief when Barb called out for the swap over. Until Bernie thought about the fact that she would now be the one who would be half naked and have Serena’s hands all over her. 

She lay on the table, nervously awaiting Serena’s touch. When nothing happened, she glanced up. Serena was standing a couple of metres away, talking to her muscular friend. Ken? Kev? Bernie’s eyes were inexorably drawn to Serena’s backside, clad in soft looking, clingy grey cotton. Bernie peered closely at the shapely bum. Was the other woman wearing any underwear? She could see no sign of a panty line beneath the material. _Stop this now Wolfe, or you’re not much better than Robbie the creepy cop._

“So, what’s the word on our mystery woman then?” Kev was eager to know what Serena had found out. “Is she Bernie, PI? Bernie, KGB?”

“I haven’t a bloody clue! She’s barely said a word so far. I think she’s very shy to be honest. I have a feeling that our curiosity will be going unsatisfied.” 

“You don’t even know if she has a wife tucked away at home?”

“A wife?” Serena was curious.

“Oh definitely. I get a totally gay vibe from her. I have an amazingly accurate gaydar, Serena. Anyway, l had better get back to Dusty and find out more about the two late husbands and current five cats.”

“Sorry about that , Bernie. Kev was telling me about his massage partner for the evening.”

“Dusty. I was with her a few weeks ago. She has five cats. Tried to set me up with her son. Neville.” Bernie was proud of herself for managing to string several coherent words together while Serena’s hands were kneading the flesh of her shoulder.

“Neville, lovely. And were you tempted?” 

“Not really. He really wouldn’t be my type.” 

“I had an interesting couple of massage partners before Kev and I palled up. Robbie was fun. I hope you didn’t have the dubious pleasure of being partnered with him? What with the groping and homophobia, I ended up having to report him. Luckily the wonderful Barb immediately kicked him out. Are you alright, Bernie? You’ve suddenly gone awfully tense.”

“What week?” Bernie ground out from between clenched teeth.

“I’m sorry? What week? That I was with Robbie? Umm, the beginning of week three. Happily Kev replaced him that night.”

Bernie had buried her face in her hands. “I’m so sorry, Serena.”

“I don’t understand Bernie, what’s wrong?”

“I should have reported him. He did the same to me, groping and rubbing against me. I should have thought to report it, rather than just threaten him. I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have had to suffer him. It’s all my fault.”

Serena crouched down at the head of the table so she could look Bernie in the eye. “It is in no way your fault. Not in the slightest. I’ve had worse during my career, believe me.” She stood back up and resumed the massage. “Now, tell me about these threats. I’m intrigued.”

“Oh, er just a slow and painful death and the implication that I know people who would help.” Bernie shared, shyly.

Serena’s laughter seemed to fill the room. If the voice had been enough to activate Bernie’s erogenous zones, the laugh just sent them into overdrive.

“So, Bernie. Kevin and I are signing up for the next set of classes. His husband Paul has finally been persuaded to join us too. Want to make it a foursome? I think it would be great fun.”

By that point, Bernie would have agreed to anything Serena asked of her. She would also have shared her bank details, PIN and the three digit security code from the back of her card, alongside her mother’s maiden name.

****

“So did you get the phone number of this gorgeous woman then?”

“Er, no.”

“Oh Bernie. If you Googled ‘lesbian disaster’ I swear to god yours would be the first picture that came up. Why do you think I made you carry on with the classes? Did you really think I wanted descriptions of massage techniques?”

“I don’t understand.”

“I spotted the gorgeous Serena on that first night and knew she would be just your type. And you didn’t even get her number. How am I ever going to get you settled down?”

“Well, I am doing the next class. Serena asked me if I was signing up for the second stage and I agreed. She’s going to be there.”

“Halle-fucking-lujah!”

****

As with most people, Monday mornings weren’t usually a favourite of Serena’s. This Monday, however saw Serena in a very good mood. She had thoroughly enjoyed Friday’s final class, was signed up for more with her friends and the mysterious Bernie. Kevin and Paul had come round for dinner at the weekend and they’d had an absolute blast. The icing on the Monday morning cake though, was the imminent arrival of a brand new colleague on AAU. In fact, here was Henrik now.

“Ms Campbell, good morning. Allow me to introduce your new co-lead and trauma specialist, Ms Berenice Wolfe.”

“Well good morning Bernie, I almost didn’t recognise you with your clothes on!”


End file.
